Brian’s Column: Libertarian Children’s Story

Sample offshoots of a Republican children’s tale

The other day when I received the public-domain story with the punchline “Welcome to the Republican Party,” I simply couldn’t leave it alone. We all know about big-government “Republicans in Name Only” (RINOs), and it isn’t the least bit funny how they posture as advocates of liberty. Then you have the Dems, who have given up posturing as anything except Stalinistas. The only snappy (and truth-based) repartee I can find comes from the libertarian neck of the woods. — bw

Original RINO Fairy Tale

Republican Guy recently asked his friends’ little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said she wanted to be President of the United States (POTUS) some day. Both of her  parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so he asked her, “If you were POTUS what would be the first thing you would do?”

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She replied, “I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.”

Her parents beamed with pride.

“Wow…what a worthy goal,” Republican Guy told her. “But you don’t have to wait until you’re POTUS to start. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where this homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.”

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and said, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?”

Republican Guy said, “Welcome to the Republican Party.”

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And that’s the standard self-inflating Republican story you see bandied about here and there. A real snick, isn’t it? (By the way, the joke was submitted via the public domain by a guest contributor to the Coffee Coaster, Mr. Dean Hazel… who identifies himself, not as a Republican, rather as a Whigg. Here’s a link to a paper Dean wrote, “What is a Whigg?” )

So I went out on the Web and found a story the Democrats seem to have put together as counterpoint:

Dem Counterpoint

Democrat Gal recently asked his friends’ little boy what he wanted to be when he grew up. He said he wanted to be President of the United States (POTUS) some day. Both of his parents, conservative Republicans, were standing there, so she asked him, “If you were POTUS what would be the first thing you would do?”

He replied, “I’d give cars and boats to all my parents’ friends.”

His parents beamed with pride.

“Wow…what a fabulously generous goal,” Democrat Gal told him. “But you don’t have to wait until you’re POTUS to start. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the country club where your parents friends hang out, and you can give them the $50 to use toward new cars and boats.”

He thought that over for a few seconds, then he looked Democrat Gal straight in the eye and said, “Why don’t my parents’ friends come over and do the work, and you can just pay them the $50?”

Democrat Gal said, “Welcome to the Democratic Party.” (Underneath her breath muttering, “Your parents’ friends wouldn’t be caught dead in my neighborhood, guy, much less doing any manual labor.”)

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But that isn’t the end of things. Somewhere out in cyberspace a lonely Libertarian appears to have spent a few moments scribbling his own version of politics for children.

Libertarian ‘Fairness’ Response

Libertarian Person (Elpie) recently asked his friends’ little child what it wanted to be when it grew up. The child said he/she wanted to be President of the United States (POTUS) some day. Both of the child’s parents, one a liberal Democrat and one a conservative Republican, were standing there, so LP asked the child (Kid), If you were POTUS what would be the first thing you would do?

Kid replied, “I’d like to see everyone have good stuff.”

Kid’s parents beamed with pride.

“That’s great,” Elpie told Kid. “But you don’t have to wait until you’re POTUS to start. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll give you the address of the US Treasury, and you can send the government the $50 to spread among all the fine people in the country.”

Kid thought that over for a few seconds, then he looked Elpie straight in the eye and said, “The government can go fly a kite, I’m keeping the $50 and deciding for myself who or what to spend it on.”

Elpie said, “Welcome to the Libertarian Party.”

Now, which one do you want your kid to join?
Conventional political-party commentary, courtesy The Coffee Coaster.

Postscript: A ‘Liberated’ Children’s Story

So what’s with all these silly kids wanting to be POTUS? Sounds like a social disease. So here’s my own political children’s story maybe 10 years from today:

There I was over at the combination hemp farm, rifle range, and home-school estate of one of my ‘No State'[1] couples one morning when little 12-year-old Johnnie emerged from his advanced calculus class. I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up:

Johnnie thought about it and replied, “I’d like to create beautiful things and share my consciousness and its products with my fellow sentient beings.”

This was not the sort of response I’d been getting from the kids at the state elementary school down the street, so, slightly nonplussed, I asked, “That’s a wonderful sentiment, Johnnie. But could you be more specific?”

He said, “Well, I really enjoy music, sports, mathematics, architecture, engineering, science, philosophy, biology, medicine, health and nutrition, skiing, golf, and so many hands-on things—there’s so much to learn and to create—and I haven’t even got to girls and recreational drug use. I believe I’ll be a businessman, run a specialty marijuana and hemp product outlet… or a microbrewery; that way I can live life to the fullest—spending perhaps only 5-10 hours per week actually working.”

“Do you plan to have a family, be part of the community?”

“Definitely,” Johnnie came back after a bit of deliberation, “but it’s too soon to know how all that will work out. I do like people and I care for those who are not so fortunate as my family and I. I want to be a good neighbor and see an end to human suffering, as well as the suffering of animals—not just my pets, but the ones that are still being slaughtered for food in remote regions of Arkansas and Missouri.”

“You’re a vegetarian?”

“Not yet, but I’m definitely thinking about it. The hemp-protein meat substitutes Mom and Dad have been making are much tastier than corn-fed beef. These days, the only thing Texas raises cattle for is rodeos.”

“You mentioned those less fortunate, Johnnie, do you plan to do anything for your fellow human beings?”

“Yes, I certainly do. But as you know, since the governments of the world got out of the welfare business, the problem of scarcity is no more. It’s really difficult to find poor or hungry people. And since the Ron/Rand Paul Universal Human Person Freedom Amendment of 2015, people everywhere are fabulously healthy and wealthy. There isn’t much human suffering left… which is why I’m focusing more on the suffering of other conscious beings. I work at my parents’ animal shelter on a part time basis. I also fully intend to support Hillbilly Aid.”

“My, my,” I exclaimed. “You certainly are precocious, young man!”

“Actually, I’m at the bottom of my class, especially in politics and economics,” said Johnnie, “but I make up for it with a positive mental attitude. “

“Johnnie,” I wondered, “As you know, a dozen years ago, a lot of children would tell adults that they aimed to become President of the United States (sometimes abbreviated POTUS).”

“Sounds like a social disease,” Johnnie said.

“True enough,” I agreed, “but do you have any political ambitions at all?”

“Not really, since the Ron/Rand Amendment passed and the General Wealth Recovery process was instigated (via the 100-Million-Man March on DC in 2016), the average world denizen became $100,000 per year better off. No more poverty, no more hunger, no more coercive government to speak of. When I’m old enough in four years, I may serve on my community-chartered, nonprofit rail transportation company board for a year or two… or the city council, and so on. But I’ve never heard any of the kids out on the hempground aspiring to such a pathetic-loser job as POTUS. Do we even have a president anymore? Sounds so primeval.”

“Then I guess you wouldn’t want to drop by to mow my lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, anything like that? I’ll pay you $50.”

“Thanks, dude,” said Johnnie, “I’m flush. But if you’re in a jam, I’d be happy to send over my Lawnmate® (robot), wrap it up in a hurry, for free!”

Ah, no “politics.” Progress! If we dream it—and act—it will come. Futuristic political commentary also courtesy The Coffee Coaster.


[1] The No State Project, conceived by Marc Stevens et al, is kind of a follow-on project (or a competitive one) from the Free State Project. The Free State Project encouraged freedom-loving people to migrate to New Hampshire, where they could agitate for even more freedom. The No State Project basically encourages individuals to constructively ignore the state by living their lives as they choose… asserting their natural condition of freedom (the idea of a coercive entity, e.g. the state, being alien to free, natural humankind).

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