Brian’s Column: And the winners are…

A look forward at Campaign 2012 media coverage
by Brian Wright


And the Republican nomination goes to…

Tampa Bay ForumSeptember 3, 2012, Tampa, Florida. Today at the Tampa Bay Times Forum, the assembled delegates of the Republican Party chose their nominees for the offices of President and Vice President of the United States.[1] Reporters from every major news organization were on hand from the dropping of the gavel on August 27, documenting the leading candidates’ activities and would-be policies if they should win back the White House from the Democrats.

Romney’s strong finish resonates widely

Mitt Romney as Peter KeatingDefying what many analysts predicted (another long, grueling second place, as in 2008 to John McCain) at the beginning of his campaign, former Massachusetts governor Willard Mitt Romney (65) told a vast throng of supporters, “We, the creative class of America, have just begun to fight. I promise you our team will ride this historic second-place vote into a series of powerful media events, at the end of which we shall gloriously raise the Chalice of Victory. Onward to Washington!” Wild applause greeted the man taking credit for the Massachusetts Miracle (#2?).

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As Mr. Romney and his entourage boarded the campaign bus for the airport, the candidate flashed his signature Hollywood smile and waved to the enthusiastic assembly. When asked by NBC News’ Andrea Whatall to comment on the significant issues of his ongoing campaign, the successful Mormon businessman had this to say: “Andrea, I stand for three rock-solid principles:

  1. The Federal Reserve, key to our financial stability, must continue to have free reign in handing taxpayer dollars to struggling bankers.
  2. For a free world, USG forces must persist in bombing, incarcerating, torturing, and killing suspected civilians… er, terrorists, everywhere.
  3. Anyone procuring medical marijuana will be taken out and shot.”

No stranger to controversy or adversity, our noble icon of New England was then feted by his embedded press corps and campaign staff with a round of ‘For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow.’ Cameras rolled caressingly, while back in the booth, FOX’s premier objective journalist Bill O’Willeye observed, “We can only wish the best to my good friend Mitt on his quixotic quest. See you in Washington… very soon, oh great Hosanna of the Danna Danna!”

Newt showers flowers on groveling acolytes

Newt Gingrich as Jabba the HuttFresh from his resounding first-ballot, third-place tally on the convention floor, Newt ‘the Hutt’ Gingrich—in a departure from his normal practice of hurling multisyllabic insults at bubble-headed, bleached-blond reporters who question his ‘sanctimoniosity’—sported a tie-dyed bellyflopper shirt and tossed daisies to his adoring mob. “Peace and love to all my little bow-and-scrapers,” uttered the paragon of genteel marital probity, obviously in guerilla-theater mode, “our day in Beltway City is at hand.”

Gingrich, still keeping his eye on the prize, stated he was glad to be leaving Tampa and the rigors of floor politics. He had positioned himself as the Tom DeLay Neocon in the race, counting on several carefully targeted bursts of self-righteous saber-rattling to put him in the winner’s circle. But fewer voters these days—not to mention fewer soldiers—seem to be swayed by warmongering… ungrateful louts. Yet the Newtster hung in, dodging ex-wife allegations and Bailout-related ‘consulting fees,’ to the final (actually, first) ballot.

Veteran MSNBC motormouth, Chris Yayhoo, caught up with the esteemed former Congressman and Speaker, asking for comment on the significant issues of his ongoing campaign. Mr. Gingrich pontooned, “Chris, I stand for three rock-solid principles:

  1. The Federal Reserve, key to our financial stability, must continue to have free reign in handing taxpayer dollars to struggling bankers.
  2. For a free world, USG forces must persist in bombing, incarcerating, torturing, and killing suspected civilians… er, terrorists, everywhere.
  3. Anyone procuring medical marijuana will be taken out and shot. (Pssst, Chris, what’s it take to score some bud around here?)”

And that’s a wrap. Fair thee well, sharp-tongued Waver of the Holy Red, White, and Blue (who, alas, never donned the uniform, though he did give the idea hours of heavy ‘preprofessorial cogitation’). Back to objective news mode: What a field of giants this has been! We’re so lucky to have such qualified men—Chosen Ones, really—vying to lead (and kick) our sorry commoner, workaday, non-visionary asses.

[1] Actual vote total: Mitt = 400, Newt = 286, ‘Other Guy’ (OG) = 1600


And the next President of the United States is…

Dateline November 7, New York. The returns were decisive as soon as the polls closed on the East Coast. The people have spoken.[a] In one of the strangest presidential races in American history, unemployed Yugo mechanic Bill Slabotnik of Cleveland, Ohio, gave it everything he had, but came up just short of the prize.

Time Warner Cable ArenaBacktracking: The Democratic National Convention in Charlotte, North Carolina, began this Season of Electoral Strangeness by denying the nomination to Barack Obama. The amazing O was thought to be a shoo-in… but that quo warranto business about L’il Baby O not having been natural US born finally caught up with him. Rats! One phony birth certificate too far. On the Labor Day eve of the nominating convention, the Supremes ruled No Way, O-Say-Can-U-See. Off the ballot R U.

In the mad scramble for a quick alternative—Hillary had been arrested for felony 2008-campaign finance violations, other names were variously slime-rejected—someone remembered Dennis Kucinich’s vocational-school roommate’s son, Billy Slabotnik.

Slabotnik displays raw courage in narrow loss

Bill SlabotnikThe real human story of Presidential Campaign 2012 was how this blue collar champion set down his wrenches—well, polished off his shots-and-beers—and stood up for his country. He could have spent his days as before, a regular at the Fourth Street Tavern and Food Stamp Emporium. But nooooo! He enrolled himself in the local YMCA remedial reading program and stepped forward into history.

The 60 Minutes profile piece on Billy was a bigger commercial hit than even Joe the Plumber. Publishing and filmmaking reps beat a path to his door. Unfortunately, Billy’s storybook struggle was too little too late; he really ‘just didn’t know anything.’ To his credit, after three weeks on the campaign trail, in response to his Republican opponent (OG) bringing up the ‘Founding Document,’ the Slabman located a pocket US Constitution and informed staff not to bother him for three days while he read it. On October 1st, Bill Slabotnik emerged from the YMCA reading room a changed man, announcing, “That wiry old guy (OG) is RIGHT! Everything he says is true, especially about the feds’ authority. Vote for OG!”

Well that shot down in flames the valiant Ohioan’s chances.

Billy did receive the electoral votes from the Buckeye State.

Bill Slabotnik: American Warrior Darling, 2012!

Fade to flag waving and singing of America the Beautiful.

[a] Actual electoral vote total: Slabotnik = 18, OG = 520


Election 2012: Final Analysis

Candidly, no one understands what happened this year. Diebold and Black Box were programmed to produce anyone but ‘Other Guy.’ Schtick Happens! An older newsman from the influential War Street Journal may have put it best: “Perhaps a larger number of voters than we expected are actual living organisms able to think and care.”

Nahhh!

Anyway, alternative-media sources inform us that something known as an ‘inauguration’ will occur in DC in January…

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